Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just Call Me "Octomom 2" -- Or Not

As I may have mentioned, the third round of intrauterine insemination (IUI, otherwise known as Ai Yi Yi!) failed. So now we're embarking on IVF, otherwise known as creating a sister or brother for Snookums in a test tube.

My sister, who's a labor and delivery nurse, asked me how many embryos my doctor was going to "transfer" (this is a euphemism for how many fertilized eggs are they going to stick inside me).

"Oh, I don't know . . . Seven?" I said, uncertainly.

A few days later, she called me back in a panic.

"I'm really concerned about the fact that you're having seven embryos transferred," she said. "A lot of obstetricians I work with think this is totally unethical! Have you thought about the fact that you'll probably have to have a reduction?" (That's a euphemism for aborting the extra embryos so that you don't end up like Octomom.)

So the next time I saw my doctor, I asked, "How many embryos did you say you were going to transfer?"

"There's no upper limit," he said. "It depends on how well they do in the lab. For someone your age I usually transfer three or four. The most I've transferred is six, and that was for a friend of mine who's now pregnant with a singleton."

So that was a relief. But in the course of all this, I made the mistake of Googling my doctor, Mitchell Essig. Should I be upset about this clipping I found?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Enough With the Pretentious Names Already

One of the most vile cultural trends I've noticed recently -- besides the use of cell phones as walkie-talkies -- is parents giving their kids Irish last names as first names.

Over the weekend, I was at a children's party thrown by the mothers' group I belong to, when I heard a father say to his son, "Hey, bro."

Now, that's casual, I thought. Then I realized he meant it literally. Not that his son was also his brother -- that would be gross -- but that his son's name was Brody, as it said on his little nametag.

Boys named Brody, Brady, Riley and Murphy. Girls named Wiley and Addison (isn't that the disease JFK had?). At the same party where I met Brody, I met a baby boy named Beckett. I have yet to meet a boy named Joyce -- but I did meet one named Killian the other day.

I say, if you're going to give your kid one of these Irish names, why not go all out? Name him or her McGillicuddy. Or O'Shaughnessy. Or Bumstead, for fook's sake!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tax Day: Brought to You By Satan

Remember how the other day I felt like this?

That changed quickly yesterday. After talking to my accountant, I felt like this:

She called to say I owed OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS to the IRS.

And I was even paying taxes quarterly! It turns out the handy worksheet my previous accountant -- or should I say "accountant" -- used to calculate how much tax to pay only accounted for Social Security. No federal taxes, no New Jersey taxes, no New York taxes. Boy, did he screw me.

Thank God I had the money to cover the bill in my savings account. Of course, I was hoping to use that money for other stuff -- like IVF treatments, since it's looking increasingly like the only way Snookums is going to get a sister or brother is from a test tube.

I don't know why I didn't Google the "accountant" like I do everyone else. Because if I had, I would have found this website. Dead giveaway the guy's a charlatan...

Monday, April 13, 2009

International House of Paper

This is how I feel right now:

I just finished filing our taxes sending our paperwork to the accountant, which meant I not only had to go through a year's worth of my own paperwork, but I had to organize Zany Dad's office, which looked like it was designed by a hamster (paper piles everywhere).

In the course of doing so, I found a sweepstakes form Zany Dad had filled out to win a "handy chore tractor." ("Can you ever have too many tractors?" the form asks. "Yes, you can," I reply.) Thank God Zany Dad is so disorganized he forgot to mail in the form, because I don't think our neighbors would have appreciated a 4,000-pound tractor sitting in our tiny backyard.

The other irony is that the sweepstakes entry was made out under MY name, not his. This is because Zany Dad is a Privacy Freak. So not only did he want a tractor he'd have no use or room for in our urban neighborhood, he didn't want anyone to know it was his.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

First DYHV Celebrity Sighting!

I was walking up Sixth Avenue from my office today during lunch, when who did I spot sitting at an outdoor table at the Belgian restaurant on the corner? Richard Belzer, from that Law & Order spinoff, SVU or SUV or whatever it's called.

I realized as I was writing this post that the only celebrities I've seen in New York are from Law & Order: Chris Noth (whom, most remember as Mr. Big from Sex and the City, but who'll always be Det. Logan to me) and (before he died, obviously) Jerry Orbach -- also, strangely enough, at Markt, when it was in a different location.

Before Snookums was born I saw Anderson Cooper at 23rd St. and 7th Avenue. He is very, very short.

Richard Belzer was very, very tall. He's also better looking in person than on TV. Not that that's saying much.