Thursday, June 4, 2009

Snookums' Subpeona

My daughter is lovely. She is also litigious.

Shortly after I uploaded this photo to my Facebook page, a process server appeared at the door and shoved a document at me. Snookums was suing me for . . . you guessed it, invasion of privacy.

I went over to Snookums, who was very busy screwing and unscrewing the lid of a jar. "Snookums!" I said. "This is my house, my computer, you're my daughter. You have no right to privacy!"

Snookums gestured out the window at the sound of a dog barking. "Woof woof! Woof woof!" she shouted.

The atmosphere at home has grown tense. I have left the pictures up. Meanwhile, Snookums has updated her Facebook status to "It's Complicated."

Monday, June 1, 2009

So Glamorous!

So tonight I was walking home from the subway, down a small side street. There was no one else on the street except for an unexceptional-looking older fellow who resembled R. Crumb.

As he walked by me, he said, "Oh gee, you're sooooooo glamorous."

I'd say his voice was dripping with sarcasm, but it was more like soaked. More like flooding with sarcasm. Like, my-living-room-ceiling-has-caved-in-and-my-upstairs-neighbor's-bathtub-is-falling-through sarcasm.

I said, "What?"

"You're just so glamorous I can't believe it," he sneered. "I guess you think I should be asking for your autograph or something. You're soooooooo glamorous."

Thanks for bringing me back to Earth, crazy man. 'Cause you know, I was feeling pretty glamorous there for a minute, in my stained trenchcoat, Payless shoes and Goodwill handbag.

Thanks for keepin' it real.